Monday, 24 May 2010

The Courtroom Drama of Mishacann Corp. vs. Beaustrum Corp.

In my previous blog, i had promised to tell the tale of a recent court case that Master had adjucated.  The plaintiffs were represented in this case by the famous (perhaps more correctly "infamous") law firm of Wee, Skrewem & Lie, while the defendant was represented by Rippov & Runn.

Mishacann Corp is a closely held family company that manufactures health care items.  They call their products "personal care" items, yet their company literature never states exactly what these items are.  Mishacann decided to sue the Beaustrum Corp for "stealing intellectual property."  As it turns out, Beaustrum Corp also manufactures "personal care" items, however their literature clearly states exactly what these items are, to wit, vibrators, dildos and other such adult novelties. 

Apparently, Beaustrum released a new hollow dildo with an 18kt exterior.  The base of the dildo has a screw lid, that when opened, allows access to the inside.  The product marketing information states that this is intended to be filled by the end user with chocolate, so that during the dildo's use, the chocolate will slowly melt to a temperature "suitable for pouring onto any surface", offering yet another another treat.

Mishacann's claim was that this idea was stolen from them by a corporate spy.  Beaustrum claims that the idea was created in-house by one of the corporate founders. 

We arrived in Finland on Master's private jet, a Boeing 777 named "Air Zeitman One" on a cool morning, with sunrise still a few hours away.  The city was still mostly asleep while we were whisked through via police escort to the courthouse.  Master and i were taken to the Judge's Chambers where a hot breakfast waited.  Master excused the servers, and well, let's just say that breakfast got even hotter.

The Chambers were excellently appointed, with a large marble full bathroom, a huge bay window overlooking the city, deep, plush carpeting that was just heavenly to walk upon in my bare feet (yes, i remain barefoot at all times), and the furniture, well, it was all meticuously hand carved by master craftsmen! 

With just an hour before the trial, Master sat behind the desk with His feet up, while i performed my "finger warmup" exercises until Master began to dictate the questions He would ask during the trial.  With a pages of questions and follow-up questions in hand, Master was fully prepared for the case.  As the bailiff quieted the courtroom, i assisted Master with His robes, then scurried into the courtroom for His entrance.

He made a majestic entrance, with all eyes trained upon Him.  He gave a hard look at both the plaintiff and defendant tables, and i heard them gasp as they finally understood that they were dealing with a consumate professional, wise and inquisitive judge.  As He passed my small table, He gave me an affectionate wink.  Settling Himself in the chair behind the desk, He picked up the gavel and banged it once, firmly, onto the block.  It sounded like a gunshot as the sound echoed around the room.  No one moved a muscle.

Master announced the case and stated that He had read both sides.  He asked the plaintiff's attorneys to rise and begin. 

Being lost in concentration to take down each and every word, as well as collect and mark the Exhibits, i wasn't able to watch and observe the gallery.  Each attorney and witness was verifiably nervous as they faced the Judge.  One witness nearly fainted as i swore him in.  Once he sat down, he asked if i dressed that way all the time, to which i took offense, and i calmly stated that "my Master provides a very generous allowance to maintain and add to my wardrobe, so no, i don't always dress like this.  i change my silks daily, and sometimes, multiple times per day."  i looked up at Master to see Him smiling at me, obviously pleased by my answer.  i felt like skipping back to my table, but, remembering where i was, i walked in a sedate manner.

At midday, Master was hungry and called for a recess.  He and i adjourned to His Chambers, where a nice lunch had been provided.  Master was ravenous, and quickly again dismissed the servers.  i was quite satiated myself!

Once the session began again, the two sides brought out prototypes of the invention in question.  After hearing the arguments back and forth, Master decided that the best thing to do was to study this on His own.  After gathering the various prototypes, and calling for a case of His imported chocolate to be brought from the plane, He headed to His Chambers.  i sat at my table until He snapped His fingers and said "Come, lacey!"  i jumped up and hurried into the room.

Master filled the prototypes with chocolate to verify the claims of each of the two manufacturers, and the testing began.  Hours later, we were both very glad of the large bathtub.  Still both smiling, we got dressed and returned to the courtroom for Master's decision.

The tension in the courtroom was palpable.  Lifetimes and corporations were held in the balance.  No one dared breathe, except for Master and i.  With my fingers poised over the keys once Master rendered His decision, i waited to hear the rich timbre of His beloved voice.

"Ladies and gentlemen," He began.  "After exhaustive testing - and believe me, lacey is exhausted - I have come to my decision."  There was a sharp intake of breath from the gallery.

"None of these products does what it says it will do.  In no case was the chocolate at a temperature suitable for pouring on any surface.  Instead, I find that the temperature of the melted chocolate was far too high, in fact, in all cases, it was very nearly boiling!  As a chocolate connoisseur, I know that boiling chocolate destroys the elemental components, rendering a burnt taste to the chocolate, besides the marks that the overheated chocolate made on lacey's...umm, on lacey.  Therefore, I hold both parties guilty of manufacturing a shoddy product and making false claims.  I hereby sentence both corporations to punitive fines of $25 million US, each!"

With that, He again banged the gavel, stood and held out His hand to me.  i put my small hand in His larger one, and i followed Him back into His Chambers.

Our trip home found Him seated on His couch in the very large and comfortable living area on His jet, with me wrapped in His arms, both of us dozing, dreaming of our beloved home in Glint.
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